


An Apology

by KingOfHearts709



Category: Non-Fiction - Fandom
Genre: Other, my life, real life story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-09
Packaged: 2018-04-30 19:11:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5176415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingOfHearts709/pseuds/KingOfHearts709
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Miss you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Apology

**Author's Note:**

> The events written in this story are all true. The names presented have been changed for the sake of privacy.  
> I've just been having a nostalgic day today and had to get this out. xoxo

Damien was nice. He was sweet, and he was different.  
I remember when I first saw him and thought he looked cool. All long curly blond hair and black trench coat. The first time we talked, I was looking at the seagulls in the pool, after PE, with my friends Mark and Eren. And he walked up and joined in. I started recording the seagulls and we all just talked and talked. I remember, when I turned the camera to him, he gave a peace sign with his black fingerless gloved hands.  
The next time I saw him, he had cut his hair shorter, so it was just a blond mop of curls sitting on his head. Then, after a while, he had friended me on Facebook and we began talking there. He suggested coffee and I asked him if the afternoon would be good. He laughed and said that 8 or 9 in the morning is when normal people usually get coffee. I told him I didn't know how coffee dates worked.  
I was in front of the coffee shop by myself after my grandpa had driven and dropped me off there. I had a black skirt and a black shirt, my purse with some money and my phone. I waited for Damien for almost 2 hours because he hadn't woken up and had to take a shower and get ready. I was okay with it. I was willing to wait for him, to be patient. Once he arrived, we both got coffee and just walked around, talking. I don't remember what we talked about, but it was nice, I'm sure. We went to the beach and climbed on the rocks, talked there. I showed him Ingress and we discussed artificial intelligence.  
After our coffee had been thrown away, we went to his house and we spent some time there. I remember having to go to the bathroom very badly, but I didn't want to use one in front of him. I didn't want him to be unimpressed or dissatisfied. So we went to a place that was something near the name of Mundo’s, where I then went to the bathroom. I remember that I had broken off the soap dispenser and I came back out portending that nothing had happened. We got our food and headed back to his house. It was already probably well into the afternoon and we ate the sandwiches and multicoloured chips in his room.  
He showed me his Lego buildings, as he wanted to become an architect. He liked to draw and he showed me his sketchbooks. He made music and we tried to listen to some, but it wasn't working.  
A long while later, and I'm not sure how long, we had gotten deep into a conversation. We were talking about high school and personalities and various other things. I remember, I was sat on his bed, almost laying down, and he was at my feet. He took off my shoes that I still wore and rubbed his hands on my knee-length socks before coming to sit on the bed with me. He opened up his arm and I gently accepted the embrace. I'm not sure how or when it escalated, but I remember being very dazed because I was thinking about how much I wanted to kiss him.  
He hovered over my face and I think I remember him asking to kiss me. He had blond curls surrounding his face and these big blue eyes covered by half-lids. He had a smirk, a smile almost that laced his lips, and when I didn't respond, he leaned down to kiss me anyways. One movement, two, and then his tongue. I didn't know how to respond, and when I gave no reciprocation, he pulled away. We may have laughed, I may have just looked at him like he was the only thing in the room, he may have stroked my arm or my face. I couldn't tell, it was like he was making me high with himself. And maybe he was, or maybe it was the pure shock that ran through my body when he kissed me. I couldn't really tell, and still can't to this day.  
I remember him telling me a little bit later that he would teach me how to kiss, and the second time we kissed, I opened my mouth too much at first. There was a pure desparation to make-out with him, and I immediately went for it. And the third time we kissed, I started slow, then more, and then his tongue was there again and he pulled away. We were lazy then, and I was laying on his chest as he scrolled through music on his laptop. My mom called me and said that she needed to pick me up. I told her that it was fine, and I'd be ready. But I never moved from where I was laying because he felt so warm and so safe and I didn't want to leave because I thought that if I did, I wouldn't get that feeling anymore. Eventually, I stood up and put on my shoes and grabbed my purse when my mom was outside. Damien walked me upstairs to the front door. He gave me one last kiss, and he may have ran his fingers through my hair until he let me go, not before letting me give him my number.  
My mom asked me what happened and I just told her we spent time together. It wasn't until later that I told her we kissed, but she was okay with it. My mom trusted me to make the right decision.  
When I started hanging out with Damien more than my other friends, things became sour. My other friends told me that I wasn't being nice and that I never talked to them anymore, and it was true. I hardly said anything to them anymore because I wanted Damien. I wanted to be with him and not anyone else. I would wait for him at lunch near the elevator, and he would come back with Subway or a normal school lunch. We would talk, and I spent time with him after school. We would go to the computer room and make music there, post it on Soundcloud. One song, and I don't remember the name, had myself in it. My own notes. Or at least notes that were inspired by me. Everytime I hear that song, I think of him. And I'm sure that when he hears that song and those notes, they remind him of me.  
After the room would close, we would mosey around school before we just ended up by the elevator again. He told me there how he lost his virginity to a girl in a graveyard. Right on top of someone's grave, he said. He told me that one time when he was high, he made a song about cow udders, and I remember lauging so much at it. He would walk me hoke after this, up the massive hill I lived on, right to the street in front of my house. He would kiss me goodbye and laugh when I kissed too much before we said goodbye and I went inside.  
After about a week of this, he was going to walk me home when he told me that he didn't want to date me anymore. I remember him saying that he didn't know why he was with me or what he was doing. And I told him this was okay. And I remember him being completely bewildered at my answer. I remember him messaging me later, asking me if I was truly okay. I told him I was. And I was. I expected this, but only because I prepared myself. I always did when I dated someone. I prepared myself for breakup, for fights, for rejection or betrayal. And I suppose he expected that of me when he told me he wanted to end our relationship. And I may have been fine then, but I'm sure somewhere deep down, I was tearing myself apart.  
I reconnected with my friends, but it was never quite the same. It was taking a piece of a broken vase out, messing that one up, and then putting it back. It was never really whole again the way it was before.  
One day, I was at the fair with my twin friends and Damien found us. We were just standing around and I felt him poke me. I turned to see hkm wearing his classic blue hoodie that reminded me of the ocean.  
We all ended up bundling into my friend’s dad’s car, me seated right next to Damien. I leaned towards him more than I should have, trying to tell him that I wanted him to lean towards me, give me some sign that he wanted to be near me, too. He never did so, and maybe that was because he didn't want to, or he did but there were others in the car.  
We all spent time at my friends’ house, watching TV, eating, and once it got late enough, my friends went to bed and Damien and I were left alone in the living room. We turned to YouTube G-Mod videos, laughing. He had put his arm around me, and when I shifted, he pulled away. I told him it was fine, and he put his arm around me agaim. Then we turned to bad lipreading, and we were laughing.  
At a point I don't remember, Damien leaned towards me and began biting at my neck softly, tugging at my skin. I tried my hardest not to make any noise, either for fear of him stopping or fear of me becoming loud. And then he stopped again. Started again.  
I don't remember how many rounds had happened until I told him I had to use the bathroom. I got up and went to it, and I know now that what I had was an anxiety attack. I told myself multiple times that I was okay. It was just Damien, and Damien would never do anything to me that I didn't want. I splashed water on my face and left, going back to Damien's embrace. He still bit at my neck, again and again.  
I don't remember how, but I found myself crying into his jacket and him comforting me to the best of his abilities. I was apologising, saying I was sorry and that I didn't mean to cry. He told me it was okay and that I was fine. And after a while, he had left around 8 at night, where I went to wake up one my friends and tell them that Damien had bitten my neck on the couch. I was stuttering badly, and needed to take my mind off of everything. We ended up going into the living room and watching anime for a while until I was finally calm enough to be left alone to sleep.  
I had gone to school the next day after going home from my friend’s house, and seeing Damien during PE. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, or what I could do. I went to get a drink of water and he approached me. I stuttered out a, “Hi, Damien,” a greeting with far too many H’s and D’s. I can't ever remember what happened after that, everything has gone hazy.  
A long time later, after I had moved and gone to a different school and a different neighbourhood, I went to spend the night at my twin friend’s house, after they had moved to a different one. One told me that Damien was going to be there. Something had happened with his mom and he was staying periodic nights there. They had asked me if it was okay if he could sleep there. I said was okay.  
The look on Damien's face when I walked into their house was filled with confusion. He knew I was coming, but he wasn't expecting the half-shaven headed me. He had asked me what happened to me. I told him that my school had happened to me. He was about to leave, and before he did, I told him that whatever bad blood was between us was forgiven now. And he left.  
A while later, we all visited my friend’s mom in the hospital, along with her boyfriend. He was spending the night there with her, which meant that one freshman, two independent studiers and one senior were spending the night alone. I never told my mom that, just for fear of her not allowing it.  
We played Jenga, we watched John Cena prank videos and videos about butts. We talked about the seven deadly sins and how each applied to us. We tried to make music and failed. I ended uo sharing the mom’s bed with one of the twins, while the other slept in their own bed and Damien slept in the remaining twin’s bed. I was the first to wake in the morning, as I usually did.  
After a while, when at least three of us were awake, Damien and I were sat in the kitchen at the table, and we said nothing to each other. Neither of us had questions, nor answers. I left the house, and nothing else was said.  
On a Valentine's Day, when I spent the night with my friends again, they were complaining about Damien, about his transphobic and homphobic beliefs and I got mad. My friend suggested we tell him that we were going on a date to annoy him and I agreed. We actually went out on a semi-date, just for realism. And then, when late night hit and my friends and I were on a walk, I messaged him. I told him that he was wrong and that we were tired of his antics. I couldn't get my point through. And when that happened, I said a phrase that I wish I had never said.  
I asked him how it felt to be manipulated. And I based on our whole relationship. I based it on everythinf we had done and everything we talked about or thought about regarding each other. I blamed him for it all.  
He blocked me on Facebook, and we have never spoken again. The only time he ever comes up is when someone is complaining about him. I tell everyone that he hates me and that I wish I could forgive him, and him me. I regret telling him he manipulated me, and that caused him to hate me.  
I want to be friends with him again. I want us to be able to trust each other again.  
And until that day comes, I'll just have to wait.


End file.
